Confessions of a Bride-to-Be

Copyright 2012.  All rights reserved. frustrated-bride

Being engaged has got to be the most annoying life stage I’ve encountered yet.  I know in movies the couple looks like they’ll soon go riding off into the pollution-enhanced sunset and spend weeks living off of wedding cake.  But in real life being engaged is like wearing a big sign around your neck that says, “Please, I beg you, tell me what to do!”

Everyone from random people I happen to bump into on the bus to friends and family all inform me that my wedding is my party, so I should do whatever makes me happy.  Despite the fact conversations are always prefaced with, “It’s going to be your special day!” I often feel like I’m the one who isn’t getting a voice in the matter, and it makes me want to tell everyone to just butt out.

Is it Really My Day?

I’m not sure what it is about weddings—mine, specifically—that makes every single Earth creature feel like they’re entitled to an opinion.  A coworker told me that when people get engaged everyone feels the need to share their advice.  To a degree I can handle random advice because it can be helpful or at least laughable sometimes, but it’s the random bossing that’s irking me.

If I was asking all the busybodies I know to pay for the wedding I’d understand a little more if they felt the liberty to at least share their opinions. But they’re not writing out the check, Mr. Munger and I will be paying for our matrimonial shindig ourselves.

I once complained to a friend about how I felt like no one was listening to me when it came to my wedding; no one believed me when I talked about what I wanted.  She said that was horrible, and then asked if I’d decided on a dress style.  I think she was trying to show how she was different, how she could actually listen.

I described the tea-length dress to her that I was contemplating, hoping for once I’d be allowed to have my own opinion, only to be told how every woman wants a long train, so my dress idea simply wouldn’t due.  She then went into great detail describing the long, lacy gown I should sport on my wedding, and how that’s what would really make me happy.  What I think would make me happy though is if people would let me have my own opinions, even if it’s not what they’d what for their own wedding.

Can’t You Plan Your Own Party?

But it isn’t just my dress ideas that people discount.  I’ve had people try to veto or change everything from the location, the size of the wedding, the dessert, and even who will be in the wedding party.  And it’s all in the name of what would “really” make me happy.  Now if someone wants to have a seven-foot-tall cake, several hundred attendees, and the reception at some great hall that’s fine.  It’s not my style, but it also wouldn’t be my wedding.  So I wouldn’t presume to know what the bride and groom’s feelings and preferences were or what would make them happy.

It’s not like I’m claiming it’s morally wrong to have a bridal train, I’m just saying it’s not what I what.  I also feel like the fact that I’ve been very well acquainted with myself for a number of years now ought to make me an expert on my personal tastes.  I like cupcakes rather than tall, elegant cakes.  I prefer summer dresses to ball gowns.  I’m not a big fan of super feminine décor and the idea of making my own invitations by hand, no matter how much money it might save, makes me want to pull my hair out.  But that’s just me.

I know it doesn’t fit the Barbie-Dream-House-style wedding, but Mr. Munger and I are both introverts who like smaller gatherings, so a tiny, casual wedding would suit us both nicely.  It would make us both happy on our wedding.  And isn’t that what “it’s your day” should mean?


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Judging a Book by its Cover

tumblr_lags1qtzeh1qczxc6o1_500Normally, I’m not so keen on people making  snap judgments based on a book’s cover (this may  partly be because J.D. Salinger is one of my favorite authors and his covers are just about as exciting as new printer paper).  But despite the fact that the website Better Book Titles’ goal is strictly to provide people with the chance to judge books by their covers,  it makes the book-nerd side of me quite happy.

The site’s creator, Dan Wilbur, says his “blog is for people who do not have thousands of hours to read book reviews or blurbs or first sentences.”  So, he saves you the hassle: “I will cut through all the cryptic crap, and give you the meat of the story in one condensed image.”

Wilbur renames all the familiar favorites, so Charlotte’ s Web becomes Spiders Make Great Publicists and The Great Gatsby becomes Drink Responsibly and The Scarlet Letter becomes I Know What You Did Last Summer.  To name just a few.  The new witty and often snarky titles attempt to summarize the gist of novel, and they do a pretty darn good job.

Dating Blunder: The Unforgiveable (Nerd) Sin

star-wars-toys-626-2Me: “Oh, look the Seattle Science Center will be having a Star Trek exhibit, that’d be fun!” [Figured enthusiastically pointing out a sci-fi event to my nerd boyfriend was sure to earn me a best girlfriend of the year award or at least a few brownie points]

Mr. M: [With a look of horror] “Kelsey, it’s not Star Trek … it’s STAR WARS.” [Oops … so much for that best girlfriend of the year award]

Me: “What?  Oh, c’mon, I just said the wrong word.  I know the difference.”

Mr. M: “You’ve at least seen Star Wars, right?” [Translation: “Oh, my god, I’m dating a Star Wars idiot!”]

Me: “Hey!  Of course I’ve seen Star Wars.  I even had one of the cute Ewak toys as a kid, looked just like a teddy.” [Strike two … I’ve since been informed cooing over the cute little “space teddies” also doesn’t earn you points with the nerds.  In fact, it’s a surefire way to convince them you’re really, truly NOT “the one”]

Maybe it’s sure dumb luck that despite my hideous blunders, Mr. M. didn’t run screaming for he hills in search of a nerdy chick who’d understand his DND playing, Star Wars watching subculture.  Or maybe I just haven’t showed off how truly un-nerdy I can be.  But, hey, I have a blog.  That ought to count for something, right?

The Art of Mastering the Stapler

milton_staplerAs with any skill, the art of mastering the stapler requires dedication, determination, and above all proper instruction. Many innocent fingers have experienced the sharp bite and terrible discomfort of a stapler releasing its venom simply because the user had not received suitable teaching on the proper stapling technique, which is precisely why I am writing.

Once you have decide the stapler is your desired weapon of choice, and that you are man enough to take on this hazardous task, begin by locating the pieces of paper you wish to be stapled. Once found, it is very important you insure your pages are in the correct order before staple. You do not want to have to resort to using a staple remover unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Not only will your pages bare the lasting mark of a poorly thought-out stapler bite, but it will also earn you a reputation around the office as being stapler inadequate, which is one of the hardest reputations for an office worker to shake.

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