The Pre-Father’s Day Blues

j0399119Tomorrow is my commencement ceremony for community college.  After two years of hard work, I’ve successfully completed my two-year Associate of Arts degree and will be transferring to a university in the fall.  I’m excited and proud of myself, but reaching another one of those bigger milestones in life without my dad being there to cheer me on makes me miss him even more than normal.

And Father’s Day, my least favorite day of the year, is also this weekend.  Another fatherless Father’s Day.  The cutesy little Father’s Day crafts littering Pinterest, the random cashier asking if I have any plans with my dad this weekend, and tacky cards proclaiming things like “You’re the best dad in the whole wide world!” all make my heart ache. 

On Tuesday, partly due to all the Father’s Day propaganda, the reality that Dad won’t be at my commencement to see me decked out in my academic bling hit me hard.  And it’s continued to be a rough week as a result.

Sometimes I wish my life and my emotions were more simple, straightforward.  That when something exciting happens—like when I graduate on Friday or when I get married in about a year and an half—I could just be happy.  But instead of just feeling accomplished or excited, there’s always a shadow hanging over everything because dad won’t be there.  I’ll be planning or anticipating something positive but then, out of nowhere, it will hit me that Dad won’t be there.  And then I feel like a little girl crying her heart out at her father’s funeral, wanting nothing more than to just see him again.  I almost feel like I need to plan in a day before any major holiday or life event where I can fall apart and cry.  

Between graduating and Father’s Day it’ll be an interesting weekend—wonderful, difficult, exiting, sad, messy.

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