The Art of Mastering the Stapler

milton_staplerAs with any skill, the art of mastering the stapler requires dedication, determination, and above all proper instruction. Many innocent fingers have experienced the sharp bite and terrible discomfort of a stapler releasing its venom simply because the user had not received suitable teaching on the proper stapling technique, which is precisely why I am writing.

Once you have decide the stapler is your desired weapon of choice, and that you are man enough to take on this hazardous task, begin by locating the pieces of paper you wish to be stapled. Once found, it is very important you insure your pages are in the correct order before staple. You do not want to have to resort to using a staple remover unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Not only will your pages bare the lasting mark of a poorly thought-out stapler bite, but it will also earn you a reputation around the office as being stapler inadequate, which is one of the hardest reputations for an office worker to shake.

Now that your pages are stacked in the desired order, make sure the ends are together in the same way all the ends of a deck of playing cards will be inline when you first remove them from the box. Then place your selected stapler over the paper, preferably in one of the top corners, and press down firmly, being sure to avoid all of your fingers, and the fingers belonging to anyone else who may be in the vicinity.  A staple logged in your finger is a pretty good way to ruin anyone’s day.

Once your stapler has firmly bitten down on your pages, remove your hands from the stapler and survey your handiwork. If all has gone well, you should have a beautifully stapled stack of papers, which you can truly be proud of.

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4 thoughts on “The Art of Mastering the Stapler

  1. You forgot to include the Prayer to the Stapler Gods. If left out, even the most exacting training in stapling can fail you. As the perfectly loaded stapler jams. Or refuses to go through the paper stack. Even is the paper stack is only half the maximum height allowed for that particular stapler. Or the staple won’t jam but the stapling mechanism will. Even if you have followed the proper ‘Care and Feeding of’ guidlines for you type of stapler. The Stapler Gods are vengeful and capricious.

  2. Ah, yes, it is best not to invoke the wrath of the Stapler Gods. I’ll make sure to say my Stapler Prayers — don’t want to risk the well being of my finger or the paper the next time I need to staple something.

    And thank you for commenting! It’s nice sometimes to know I’m not just posting into the Great Void that is cyberspace. 🙂

  3. Two words….electric stapler! the secretary at my school has one and to my knowledge…she loves it more than her handy dandy printer/fax machine/alarm clock/answering machine or what ever that thing is in the corner across from her desk…She even let me use it a couple of times!

    • That’s a great idea, Debby! There’s an electric stapler at my school that’s one of my favorite office supply gadgets, but I think the amazing hole puncher (it can punch holes in 20 pages all a the same time rather than 2 like the one I have at home) might be a close rival for second. 🙂

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